Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
