that's an acceptable place to lick
I am spending my child support on dildos
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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