um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
