If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
