my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
