He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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