I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
