I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
