Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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