bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
