OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
