We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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