Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
