Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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