my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
