You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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