well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
