A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
