She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
