It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
