I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
My vagina is very pro this idea
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
