plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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