The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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