I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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