Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
