I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
