I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
