I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
