Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
