i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
