sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
