I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
