I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
