Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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