You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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