She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
