the condom got lost in my hair
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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