someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
