you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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