Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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