nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
