She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
