Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
