Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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