Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Two words: blizzard sex
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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