It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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