it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
