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The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I made him laugh his dick is mine
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