There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
