First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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