The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
