I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
