You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Randomize
