Can Purell be used as lube?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
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