yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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