First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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