I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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