Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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