Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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